Einstein said that “Everybody
is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree,
it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” Well, in
my life that proverbial tree was mathematics. Don't get me wrong, I
handled the simple stuff like basic addition but when long division
came into play in elementary school. I somehow found myself having a
major misunderstanding. To sum things up (yes the pun was intended)
math and I became enemies. I hoped for a reconciliation at some
point but then teachers started including in my tutelage things like
decimal points and percentages. Then they even added letters (what in
the heck was that about??? I loved to read and write! How dare they
desecrate letters in the name algebra!). Now back to the problem at
hand. I will at some point have to take an algebra class if I want a
degree. I am about as excited about taking this class as I am
contracting influenza. I have friends in high math places (luckily)
to help me out but I'm still terrified. Why? I have what I believe
is number anxiety. Not particularly related just to math but I
believe that is where all the number issues started. I usually miss
questions on tests related to dates in time as well and I get nervous
and immediately go blank if I have to add the simplest of numbers in
my head in front of others. I could be fine on my own but I
immediately start judging myself for the other person when I have to
do it in front of them. “Oh my gosh what an idiot!” “Is she
seriously taking that long to figure out an equation that my 9 year
old can do in their sleep?” I know I'm pretty hard on myself but I
just have a fear that I'm a bit simple minded and the people I love
and respect will find that out. My whole academic life is based on
fear of being found out that I'm an idiot. I didn't even want to
take a questionnaire to find out if I had ADHD for 1, fear of passing, (yes, I know that would mean I had ADHD) and 2 of failing thus solidifying my fear of just being and idiot.
As
far as ADHD goes there was a bit of a stigma when I first heard of
ADHD. The world had this view of kids running wild and rabid like
feral children until they were dosed. I was a bit squirmy as
children are but my “H” in the abbreviation came as a mental
thing. In other words I was a daydreamer. I figured out early the
best thing about my math book was that it was thick (not because I
was particularly studious and wanted to spend every waking hour
working with numbers till I understood) The truth is I was a bit
short and riding on the bus made it hard to see well so sitting on my
math book made for good rubbernecking opportunities of road kill and
glancing into the automobiles riding by. The same went for my
history book. I did like history just not when I was expected to
know the date when something happened. So I guess I need to try and
take Einsteins words to heart and believe that I am a genius but if I
continually judge my extremely right-brained self by my ability to
calculate left-brained equations I will be damning myself to an
eternity of feeling like a loathing idiot. So my little blog fish,
what is your proverbial tree?
Wow, India, you have given me a lot to think about. You articulate your experiences so well and send me to a state of self-reflection. Please know that I will NEVER see you as "simple minded" even if you couldn't add 1+1.
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion, the only "idiots" in the world are those who are so blinded by a drive for money and power that they will step on, use and hurt anyone or any group of people to get what they want.
As for school, I applaud your efforts, no matter what the outcome, and I will always stand by you as your best friend regardless of any math grade you may get. I am sorry numbers bring you so much fear and I pray that you feel my unconditional love for you.
Jennifer, thanks so much. Your support has always been appreciated. I just hope I have always done the same for you.
DeleteI did an undergrad degree and even got half way through a PhD, and I'm still convinced I'm an idiot. And you know, that's probably why I had to drop out of the PhD. I spent so much time agonizing about being found out, and instead like those who were confident, sometimes cocky, and who didn't hesitate asking for help, I floundered a lot.
ReplyDeleteWe are our own worst enemies when it comes to judging our abilities and disabilities. I know you will make it through. Even with a phobia of numbers, I have seen my daughters take it on and get through, and I know you will do the same. I believe in you!
As for my proverbial tree - honestly, I have always thought I was hopeless at everything, even when I demonstrated ability at something. I think in some ways, as an extreme introvert, my tree is moving out in the world in person. I hide behind writing a lot as it is my natural state. Going to a poetry reading was a challenge. Yesterday I even volunteered to read someone else's poem, sight unseen. I wanted to challenge myself. I can't always do that, and I'm not going to expect that my oratorial (is that even a word?) skills are anything like my written ones, but I don't mind being out of water for a little while these days. Maybe we get braver as we get older? Maybe by the time I'm 80, I'll feel a lot more confident about my innate wisdom and not care so much about those problematic trees. :)
Love and hugs :)
Jane
P.S. There is a lot of roadkill imagery in your blog so far... your street must be a very "colourful" destination. :)
LOL!! Jane, I guess you are right. *gag* I live in an area that is wooded and near water so sadly the little creatures jet in the way of automobiles. We end up with several deer/car accidents which in many cases are not just fatal to the deer. Thanks for your input and words of wisdom.
DeleteI'm glad you reminded me of your blog. Lawd have mercy! So much is going on in my big head of mine that I sometimes forget things that people tell me over and over again. I read the entry about mathematics and that was hilarious. I will read the others soon. I used to be afraid of math in elementary but then I took it by the balls and I made it my bitch--(I took Calculus, which was fun!--I know, I know...). That said, the basic stuff still get to me sometimes, fractions, percentages,..) just because I don't use them much. Once you don't use something consistently, you get rusty. So what I do every now and then is I go back and tackle the basics. I do this with acting too. A majority of the time, when I go to my acting coach for an audition and I have a problem with my interpretation, it is almost always a basic acting problem that once tackled, I'm good. So I'm pretty smart with math and I'm a good actor and if I have problems sometimes, then it should give you solace to know that. I'm not tooting my own horn mind you...(you know how modest I am) I'm just illustrating a fact that we all need to visit the basics every now and then, no matter how high our level in a particular field might be. I want to leave you with this. You are a bright, highly intuitive individual and you too can make math your bitch. Do not let it get the better of you. What I used to love about math was it was like this giant puzzle that you have to figure out. Especially with algebra and calculus, they was this problem, this story that was put in front of me and it was my job to go on this adventure and seek the answers. Think of math in those terms, in terms of your highly creative self where you're going on an adventure to slaughter some evil being who dares to trip you up by putting this mathematical formula in front of you to solve. Think, if I solve this, then the evil creature that dared to complicate my life will be sent to the bowels of hell and I get to say " you can't cuss nobody....shoootz", LOL. I look forward to reading your other entries!!! Have a good weekend.
ReplyDelete