Tuesday, February 4, 2014

The shift hit the fan.

I had planned for this year to be a blossoming time of wisdom. I hoped for a time where I would grow and gracefully unfurl a tender new leaf of growth, control, and maturity. I wanted to take each life lesson with a deep breath and release what stunts my growth, be in the moment to learn what I needed, and move along as the enlightened adult I am. But to be honest, January ended and February started with a bit of an emo vibe. Dealing with myself lately is kind of like dealing with a teenager. Do you smell that? That's me reeking of insecurity, angst and pimple cream. Why? Because not only am I dealing with this awkward faze of proverbial lanky limbs (verbally stumbling whenever I open my mouth) but apparently my skin has decided to join the blatant attack on my self esteem and grace me with acne. Hey life, while you're chucking those lemons can you at least help a sister out and toss in a few strawberries? Okay, so I'm whining a little. I was all set to post this wonderful blog entry on loss that I felt was touching and helpful. I had completed it early accept for the ending. I just figured I would tie it all together in about 15-30 minutes tops then post a polished piece of perfection that I would be proud of. Instead I couldn't do it because that big writers block of cement wouldn't get out of my way. So in this day and age of technology I just decided I would put an end to this. I would nip it in the bud. I wanted a smooth conclusion. I wanted it now and the internet was the way to find it. I know I'm not the only one who has ever had this problem. I'll find a snippet about this issue and be done with it. I took a deep breath and said “Okay God, I release the hold of negativity I have allowed in my life. My devotions this morning was about acceptance and I accept this new shift as it moves the block that does not serve me”. Then it popped in my head. Quotes about writers block would be fast and easy I could find one that would be the answer. A drive thru window for my McProblem. I type “quotes for writers block” in my search engine and behold a plethora of answers at my fingertips! Another deep breath “lead me divinely” I whispered then clicked.

The problem is acceptance, which is something we're taught not to do. We're taught to improve uncomfortable situations, to change things, alleviate unpleasant feelings. But if you accept the reality that you have been given- that you are not in a productive creative period- you free yourself to begin filling up again.” 
― Anne LamottBird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life
Seriously??? Click back arrow. Okay, apparently I didn't make myself clear. I NEED to complete this almost already finished piece. Please open a divine door. Scroll next page and click.

Writer's block is caused by forcing your will on the Divine.” 
― Chriscinthia Blount

I groan then throw a mini tantrum. I get up and leave the house pouting. I really wanted to post about my father and loss and it wasn't going the way I wanted. I decided if I couldn't write my way I wasn't going to write at all. I made my way to a bookstore in hopes for inspiration but I was still in pouting mode so I wandered to the magazine section for brain candy. I scan the magazines. News Weekly, too serious. Maxim, as if. Sports Illustrated, not if it was the only one left on the planet. Fashion mags are not usually my thing but why not? I grab one and flip through the pages casually scanning then open on a page that was an advertisement for something called Plan B. I started laughing. I really started laughing out loud. I put the magazine back on the shelf because I was unable to stop laughing and the stares from strangers began making me self conscious but I couldn't stop giggling. I made my way home and sat at my computer still giggling and started my plan B. I know that ad wasn't meant to sell me on shifting my direction in the writing experience but I suppose a shift in my attitude was highly in order. The blog on loss is obviously for another time. My writing muse shook her head smirking welcoming me home as I cranked out this far from graceful human reality. Be gentle with yourself. If you are to grow strong and healthy you have to endure some rain and deal with some manure along the way. Just shift your face toward the sun and become. Sprout on!