Okay, so Tuesday was my last group therapy since outpatient care and after processing (more like marinading in my own past juices) The flood of memories, thoughts, and emotions started to swell and lap up against my brain. Each small wave licking at something buried long ago in an attempt at survival. Each time a wave would recede it came back harder and heavier than before crashing against my skull in an attempt to escape. Each wave bigger and wider and I began to drown in my own thoughts. With each slam of each wave of memory I began to ask why. Why am I "the weird kid"? Why am I more sensitive than my siblings? Why do I hate myself? Why do I hurt myself? Why do I have anxiety over the tiniest of things? Why do squirrels run into the middle of the road then look to see if a car is coming?--sorry, I did mention in the previous blog that I have ADHD. (I must learn to pull the shades when I write near a window). Although I couldn't stop the pounding waves that later erupted into a stress headache I was able to keep it from turning into an emotional tsunami with no survivors. The one thing I will give myself credit for is not hurting myself. I have a tendency when it comes to fight or flight to choose the latter and my way of coping with emotional pain (which I don't get, like, or usually know what to do with) is to turn it into something I do know how to deal with and sadly enough that is physical pain. For those of you still in the dark about my methods of unhealthy coping skills I would usually burn horrid words onto my skin. I'm trying really hard not to do these things hence the start of this blog which in a way I just realized makes me accountable. Hmm...
Anyway, I guess I could ask why till the end of time and still not have an answer, so pulling away now from all the earlier water references I see this walk or journey I'm on to try and better myself as an unpaved road filled with potholes. Some of those potholes are filled with murky disgusting stagnant in the heat for days water harboring mosquito eggs (sorry I like water references and have a hard time pulling away from them) I find my self doing okay sometimes walking along and carefully repairing holes filling them back up with earth and gravel but sometimes I get lazy and walk around the potholes denying they were even there in the first place. Sometimes I get cocky and leap over the potholes accepting that they are there but refusing to deal with them. The biggest problem that these temporary coping skills have is that eventually I trip, fall backwards, or not leap far enough and find myself in the bottom of one of these potholes. Sometimes I climb out and realize I need to fill it so I don't have to deal with that particular hole again. Sometimes I climb out and haul ass running as fast as I can and end up falling into a deeper hole. Sometimes I just lay there and wallow in it. Getting dirtier, muddier, and deeper in the depths. Sometimes I don't fall at all and like a squirrel get hit by a quickly approaching car. Not always road kill. Sometimes I end up running off my road and take a detour from my journey.
So I end this blog entry with a question and I wish you luck. How will you handle your potholes today?
I applaud all the effort that you are putting forth to understand yourself and heal. Destructing and reconstructing oneself requires a lot of emotional heavy lifting. Cheers and hugs to you! Filling the pot holes is not for sissies.
ReplyDeleteI've done a lot of work on pot holes myself in the past year. It's hard, and it's harder still to keep at it day after day and not give up. I have found that there's a fine line between working diligently towards improvement, and being obsessed with fixing everything. It's a work in progress, and it takes time. It's tough to keep from getting overwhelmed. I'm glad you've got your blog, it's a great idea!
Kristi's pot holes are being ignored today in favor of napping. Tomorrow is another day. :)
I suppose a nap is in order. ;-) Just watch out when you decide to get up. sometimes they (potholes) show up in unusual places.
DeleteHello my friend, you are amazing and I love to be able to connect with you this way. I love the way your thoughts wander and you don't ever have to apologize for that, I get it and probably have had some ADD tendencies all my life and just didn't have a name for it.
ReplyDeleteSomething you may not realize when you share the experiences you are having and the feelings, you help others to recognize the potholes they face as well. I believe we are all connected and that we have the opportunity to grow and heal together just by being there for each other.
My potholes today were taken head on with an intense therapy sharing session, lots of tears which has been the case for the past couple of days and now... I'm going to rest and let the calm feeling of being rocked on gentle waves surround me.
Thank you for being so brave and sharing with us. You are loved!!
Carmen
I'm so glad you bravely faced working on repairing those potholes. This stuff isn't easy.
DeleteHolding you close in my heart.
Wow, India, the challenge you posed today is exactly what I needed. I'm looking straight into a pothole right now, and looking off to the left, a little ways off, a pothole in the distance. Thank you for sharing your journey like this. I love you!
ReplyDeleteI love you too. I know you have all the tools you will need to take these potholes head on.
DeleteGreat post, India! I relate on so many, many levels. I also love water references, so your road could have been a river and your potholes big boulders in the flow, but hey, both work, and sometimes it's good not to kick so hard.
ReplyDeleteI think I naturally have the same pothole habits as you, and lately I have been in a numbed down state and I think shutting down and just not rolling forward so I don't have to hit any potholes. But the last few days, after an excellent therapy session, I've started crying a bit, and I feel a little less shut down, and like I'm moving.
Being stagnant isn't much fun is it... and it's where I've been. I'm going to try to spend this week moving forward gently, and rather than leaping over or tripping into, I'm just going to step into the holes and try to be with whatever happens to be in them. Could be an ambitious goal, but I need to try.
Thank you! Much love and blessings.
Right back at you, Jane. I'll hold you up in this and you do the same for me. Deal?
DeleteNamaste!