Sunday, May 31, 2015

At the end of Lonely Street is my genetic dead end.

Not married. Not in a relationship. No prospects on deck. It's almost laughable as I remember my little girl self planning out my wedding and naming my future children. I had everything planned except one thing... the husband. But why worry about that at such a young age? I have plenty of time to find him. Many years later and I'm contemplating my future. Loathing all those fairy tales I read. My knight on his white horse (Proverbial of course) has yet to find me and to be perfectly honest, I haven't actually tried very hard to find him. I've romanticized this idea for so long I'm afraid my reality will always pale in comparison. Why ruin that? 

I'm not about to go into my daddy issues. I plan on keeping this shorter than War and Peace. I do have issues with men. I don't trust them very much. I have many reasons. Most of those reasons come from my observance of my peers.

 Ruby Gillis says when she grows up, she wants to have a line of beaus on a string and make them crazy for her. I'd rather have one in his rightful mind.There are some things in this world that even I cannot hope to understand. -Anne Shirley Anne of Green Gables.

I'd watch my friends in middle and high school breaking off into pairs, splitting up, crying, angry, then pairing off with someone else. I found the whole thing dizzying and kind of silly. I had one friend in particular who would flirt and tease and have several guys vying for her attention and I realized this infatuation thing wasn't for me. I dove into my art and writing and the few guys that I did temporarily pair off with was just so I could say that I had that experience. I was never boy crazy. I would look and lightly flirt with no intentions beyond that and found the whole thing tedious. I'd listen to the other girls giggle out vapid fantasies of their dream date or guy. I'd roll my eyes. How I became so cynical at such a young age is odd.  Then again odd seemed to be my specialty. I was the weird kid and the fat kid so being that type of overachiever didn't solidify dates in my calendar. Most of my guy friends were gay so that didn't help either. 

So I guess I'm stuck listening to my biological clock ticking slower everyday. As I care for my aging mother I wonder who's going to do this for me? Will I be the little old lady they find weeks later that died alone? I'm reminded of a quote from a television show I watched called the Torkelsons. 
"What's the wrong way to eat spaghetti?"

I know I have a large extended family and a large family on my fathers side (My grandmother Essie had 16 children) but they are scattered or far away. Have I been picky too long? Has my depression played a part or maybe my sexual abuse as a child? The multiple facets of every human soul wants some kind of connection. I look at my friends and peers that are married with children and I get a pang. I'm not sure if it's jealousy or just simply loneliness. 

To Do List:
Get a big table. 
Invite people over. 
Serve spaghetti. 


  1. Very telling AND understandable.

  2. me. i will take care of you. you and i can grow old together becoming old and persnickety and silly....

  3. India first of all you are an awesome writer and second I feel for you on the fact of growing older all by yourself. Iv never had kids and my family lives so far away that I have a strong fear of growing old alone helpless and confined that it actually scares the crap out of me. So I have a great idea, why don't we live together in our golden years so we can keep each other company and help support each other mentally and physically. xoxo